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Information for Family and Friends
(Abridged version - Reproduced with kind permission of the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria – see link to their site in “Information and Links” section)
Your support can make a difference
It can be really worrying when someone you care about is being hurt or abused by their partner.
Your help can make a great difference to someone who is abused. Your response to her situation is really important. If she feels supported and encouraged, she may feel stronger and more able to make decisions. If she feels judged or criticised, she could be afraid to tell anyone else about the abuse again.
Abuse in relationships is quite common, and is mainly committed by men against women. Much of this abuse is witnessed by children.
What is abuse?
Every couple has arguments or disagreements. In a respectful and equal relationship, both partners feel free to state their opinions, to make their own decisions, to be themselves, and to say no to sex.
But this is not the case when someone is abusive. In an abusive relationship, one partner tries to dominate the other through physical harm, criticisms, demands, threats, or sexual pressure. For the victim and her children, this behaviour can be very dangerous, frightening, confusing and damaging.
Psychological or emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. Abuse in a relationship is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances, and is never the fault of the victim. Abuse is not caused by alcohol, or stress, or by the victim's behaviour. Abuse happens because the abuser wants to control and manipulate the other person. Physical and sexual assault, threats and stalking are crimes and can be reported to the police.
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“I wanted to help, but didn’t know what to say or do. Learning how to support my friend and stick by her made all the difference... it’s not easy seeing someone you love be constantly put down” |
Why doesn't she just leave?
It can be very difficult to leave an abusive partner. This is an important thing for friends and family to understand. There are many reasons why it may be so hard to leave.
• She is afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves.
• She still loves her partner, because he or she is not abusive all of the time.
• She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever, for 'better or worse'.
• She hopes her partner will change. Sometimes the abusive person might promise to change.
• She thinks the abuse is her fault.
• She feels she should stay 'for the sake of the children'.
• A lack of confidence. The person who is abusive will have deliberately tried to break down their partner's confidence, and make her feel like she is stupid, hopeless, and responsible for the abuse.
• Isolation and loneliness. The person who is abusive may have tried to cut her off from contact with family or friends.
• Pressure to stay in the relationship from family, her community or church. She might fear rejection from her community or family if she leaves.
• She may feel that she can't get away from her partner because they live in a rural area, or because they have the same friends, or are part of the same ethnic, Aboriginal or religious community.
• She doesn't have the means to survive if the relationship ends. She might not have anywhere to live, or access to money, or transport, particularly if she lives in an isolated area. She may be dependent upon her partner's income. If she has a disability, she may depend upon the abuser for assistance.
It is very important that you do not make her feel that there is something wrong with her because she hasn't left. This will only reinforce her low confidence and feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Leaving an abusive partner may sometimes be quite dangerous. The abuse may continue or increase after she leaves. Help her to weigh up her feelings, to decide what she can do, and to consider her safety whether she decides to stay or to leave. She might want to contact a service to talk about how to protect herself.
What can I do to help her?
The most important thing you can do is to listen without judging, respect her decisions, and help her to find ways to become stronger and safer.
"You don't have to fully understand to be of assistance. All you have to do is give your time and love without being judgemental" - Jane.
Questions you could ask and things you could say:
These are just some ideas. It is important that you only say what you believe, and use your own words.
'The way he treats you is wrong'.
'What can I do to help you?'
'How do you think his behaviour has affected you?'
'How do you think his behaviour is affecting your children?'
'I'm worried about what he could do to you or the children.'
'What do you think you should do?'
'What are you afraid of if you leave?'
'What are you afraid of if you stay?'
For more information for family and friends go to DVRCV site in “Information and Links” section.
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For confidential support & information call us on...
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Your 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, State-wide Domestic/Family Violence Crisis Service. For intervention, support and advocacy.
General enquiries : (03) 9928 9600 or admin@wdvcs.org.au |
If you are in immediate danger call... Police on 000 |
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